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Two months ago, an editor from BREAKER called and asked if I wanted to go on a four-day Mediterranean cruise with hundreds of crypto-crazed investors and evangelists. Write something long about whatever you find, he said. It was 2 a. and I was over-caffeinated.
I remember explaining that I know almost nothing about either cruises or blockchain, in the way that Sir Ian McKellen, in the criminally underrated series Extras, explains that he is not actually a wizard. Five days later I was at the port of Barcelona, boarding a ship.
By which point it was way too late to wonder for the umpteenth time about my life choices. I knew about bitcoin only as an investment vehicle favored by several essentially sweet nerds close to my heart—and I knew, too, that cryptocurrencies are the pet untraceable funding model of the far-right.
More about him later. I was anticipating evenings spent listening to crypto-hippies describe the angel-faced space elves they met when they took DMT, kelly klaymour free downloads. I was expecting to fetch water and painkillers for half-conscious corporate executives with dust in their perfect hair and no idea how to get home. I was expecting to get a bit carried away and end up shouting about the government kelly klaymour free downloads chalking poetry all over the walls.
I was expecting to hear very rich men talk without blinking about tax planning and sacred geometry. I was expecting corporate-branded swimwear. I was expecting to meet smug Californian polyamorists, about whom smug European polyamorists like me are relentlessly judgy. Reader, all of these things transpired, but by the time they did they were a kelly klaymour free downloads relief. Blockchain is the technology behind cryptocurrencies, which are peer-to-peer electronic cash kelly klaymour free downloads unregulated by any central authority.
Those who bought bitcoin at the start are now on-paper squidzillionaires. Other, newer currencies like Ethereum, Ripple, and Bitcoin Cash, are emerging—and there are obvious reasons to get behind the idea of decentralizing the financial system.
Beyond money, blockchain has lots of exciting potential applications with very few actual users. The technology is used as an excuse to make outlandish near-magical claims. They contain: painkillers, Alka-Seltzer, several condoms, the world's flimsiest pregnancy test, and a half-bottle of Jägermeister. A huge bitcoin price crash occurs a few hours before we set sail. As I board, I am surprised to find that nobody seems to be particularly worried. CoinsBank, the company organizing the cruise, has left little welcome gift boxes in each of the rooms, kelly klaymour free downloads.
The women on this boat are polished and perfect; the men, by contrast, seem strangely cured—not like medicine, but like meat. That last is year-old John McAfee, who got rich with the anti-virus software McAfee Security before jumping into cryptocurrencies. He is the man most of the acolytes here are keenest to get their picture taken with and is constantly surrounded by private security who kelly klaymour free downloads their best to aesthetically out-thug every Armani-suited Russian skinhead on deck.
Occasionally he commandeers the grand piano in the guest lounge, and the young live-streamers clamor for the best shot, kelly klaymour free downloads. John McAfee has never been convicted of rape and murder, but—crucially—not in the same way that you or I have never been convicted of rape or murder.
I do not interview John McAfee. He interests me less than he scares the shit out of me, though his entourage seems relaxed. Related: John McAfee Is 73, Very Stoned, and Running for President The only genuinely happy person I meet on this trip is Femi, a forklift driver from Birmingham who wears a Dogecoin T -shirt and proudly shows me videos of him practicing with the samurai sword he bought with his bitcoin stash. Then he grins. Over the next four days I find myself drifting back to Femi and his kelly klaymour free downloads optimism whenever I get the urge to throw myself overboard.
Nobody mentions how wildly ecologically unsound the whole project is—some estimates have bitcoin burning as much energy as the entire nation of Ireland for a relatively small pool of users. Instead, the core and only existential question is which of the various coins and ICOs initial coin offerings will make you the richest the fastest before dawn.
Freedom here means freedom of money, and only freedom of money—and what freedom of money means is the freedom to amass great stocks of it without being taxed or traced.
Occasionally, people even talk about this on panels, though nobody is really here for the conference part of the conference. It takes one to know one. He gives a speech about how all taxation is theft, and he is as captivating as any big-tent revival preacher.
The crowd goes wild, the only time I see this crowd do so without copious free booze. The attendees mob the aisles to kelly klaymour free downloads closer to their heroes—entirely ignoring the "beautiful ladies" who the host tells us have just taken the stage for the "women in blockchain" panel. Except the bicycle is on fire. And everything is on fire. And you are going to hell. I understand why people might want to hire a boat and stuff it with investors: to make money.
This cruise measures its takings in old-school pounds and dollars. This is a locked-room, hard-sell pitch session to a literally captive audience of high-roller crypto investors, whose only escape is the lifeboats.
The whole place smells of aftershave and insecurity. But if you want to know how power actually operates in any community, watch the women. Most blockchain events have a gender balance problem.
The cruise organizers have allowed the decentralized free-market to solve that problem the best way it knows kelly klaymour free downloads. Not enough women? Just hire some. Not as actual employees of your company, god no. To stand around looking delicious and fascinated. What else are women for? That evening, one guest tells me that male attendees are having room numbers discreetly sent to them on Telegram—the social network of choice, I learn, for pump-and-dump crypto schemers.
Later, in the sweet-sterile smelling formica nightmare of the open diner, I meet two young American women, trained kelly klaymour free downloads and former event hostesses who have graduated into blockchain marketing. Lucy and Donna won tickets to this event, and now, on day two, they are pissed off, exhausted, and my new best friends.
Lucy and Donna are enthusiastic about the technology and aware of its problems. They are also tall and beautiful in the same way that the Ukrainian hostesses are tall and beautiful, which does not make their jobs much easier on this trip—but at least they get to choose their own clothes, unlike some of the English-speaking representatives, who have to squeeze into bitcoin-branded swimsuits. He finds our table and plonks himself down in the middle of some choice shit-talking, annexing Donna with his body.
These glamorous models seem to have been hired to give the ship—and the passengers' selfies—the glitzy appearance of the boom times of The next morning, the gym kelly klaymour free downloads full of bored off-duty ballerinas in company T -shirts, slogging listlessly through barre moves. I reckon my brilliant plan of getting investors to talk to me by being one of the only girls on a boatful of nerds needs revising. I am not 10 feet tall and 22, but I am a tiny hyperactive white woman with weird hair and poor boundaries, so I revert to an old standby and start serving full manic pixie dream kelly klaymour free downloads. I only have to pretend to care.
My method is no less contrived than anything the hostesses are up to. The men I meet are only too keen to tell me how refreshingly different I am from the other girls here, kelly klaymour free downloads. That means I can afford to have less patience. We just want to talk about crypto! So you can guess why they are here—to pamper the investors.
One of the ways men bond is by demonstrating collective power over women. It makes rich men partners in crime. This is useful if you plan to get ethically imaginative with your investments. Hence the half-naked models, who are all working a lot harder than any of the guys in shirtsleeves. This is not how blockchain events usually go, kelly klaymour free downloads.
I know this because enough people who have made very different life choices tell me so within the space of the week that I believe them. By midnight on day three, the booze-infused insecurity is dialed up to A hallucinogenic light show pulses kelly klaymour free downloads the black Mediterranean all around us, to the frantic heartbeat of music that sounds like a robot toddler having a tantrum in a trash bin.
Models waft around listening to shouted explanations of Ethereum; investors spasm vaguely across the deck and neck drinks that were as free as they were, meaning that someone else had paid. Let us never speak of this dance party again, kelly klaymour free downloads.
The next morning I realize that everyone on this boat is pretending to kelly klaymour free downloads a really good time, and doing the things that they imagine rich people do for fun: gambling, drinking, being entertained by beautiful women. But nobody seems relaxed. Utopia feels very far away. The culture of any community reflects its economic reality and blockchain is fueled largely by FOMO.
By the fear that an astounding half-understood opportunity is on the edge of slipping from your grasp. I get it, really I do. I, too, was a lonely intelligent child who knew the special horror, as most lonely intelligent children do, kelly klaymour free downloads, of thinking both very little and too much of themselves at the same time, kelly klaymour free downloads.
Women, I mean. I meet Ashlie Meredith, of MouseBelt, who tells me how disappointed she was with the women-in-blockchain panel. A lot of the evangelizing of it came from places that are actually hostile to women, like 4chan. She giggles, then grimaces. Not every guy is having a blast. It feels a little bit like a brothel. The grifters are in it for the fame and the money and will say any old bollocks to get either. The true believers accept the money and fame as an inevitable proof of their genius.
Tori Kelly - Soul’s Anthem (It Is Well)
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